Sacrilegious Stand up - Week 4

In a shameless attempt to get more readers, and hopefully get repeat visits to this blog, I have decided to feature my favorite God  mocking  lampooning comic routines each Sunday. 

Jim Jefferies - God is drunk at a party

Christianity is not a beautiful thing.you unworthy ass wretch!

My children were not born sinful, let's get that shit out of the way right now. Neither was I, and neither were you. There was no Garden of Eden, snakes don't talk to people, and fruit doesn't impart knowledge. There is no such thing as original sin.

In fact, there is no such thing as sin at all. There is good and there is bad and what is good and bad changes over time. For instance, we know slavery is bad. We came to this knowledge over time and as society advanced. I'm not going to get into the bible's clear endorsement of slavery in this blog (Exodus 21 among others), but it is a fact that our moral compass has changed and improved in this issue and many others since biblical times.

Sin is something else though, apart from good or bad. Sin is something we are born with, but at the same time, it is something we can acquire. 

We can acquire it by physically breaking any of literally hundreds of rules, but we can also acquire it just by thinking about breaking those rules. We can know we broke it, or we can be ignorant, but it still counts. At any time this god can decide that something else is a sin (things like taking a census or calling a man bald) and it still counts.

You are an evil sinning wretch, let's sing about it!

Sin is a way of convincing people that they are broken, worthless and even evil simply because they exist. Sin is meant to create a phony product called redemption, and all you have to do to get it is fervently believe in a magic man in the sky who loves you, but can't even be bothered to prove he really exists.

In fact, the Bible teaches that no man is sinless. So we have a god being who gave us this impossible to follow set of rules that guarantee we will become this worthless wretched thing. In other words, if he was real, he set us up to fail. We had no choice and no chance.

Redemption from sin is like an ad campaign for an invisible product created and perpetuated by the world's best bullshit artists whether you call them ministers, preachers, priests or televangelists.  The better these bullshit artists are at convincing you that you are a worthless heap of trash that their god watches over constantly and loves you infinitely, while at the same time he's willing to destroy us and/or punish us eternally the more they are able to sell the product. 

The top 8 preachers in this country are worth over $1 billion dollars!

The problem is this god creature if it was real, it's a monster in every sense of the word. Not only did it kill millions with floods, plagues, and supernatural shenanigans (like turning people into salt or sending she-bears to kill them) throughout the Old Testament in the New Testament it became somehow even worse while convincing it's adherents that it was being kinder and more loving. 

The worst part is that all of it is perpetuated on this horrible idea of sin and how this loving god needs or needed us to torture and kill something in order for him to forgive us for it. 

We literally can't be forgiven for naturally occurring evil inside us unless something dies!

Originally what died was animals, by the hundreds (there were grain offerings, but those didn't affect sin). People would have to bring only the completely unblemished animals to the priests who would perform ritual slaughter. Pour a little blood on an altar and then burn the sacrifice and whamo blamo your sins were forgiven. Then after you bought your redemption and went home the priests ate the barbecue. In the Old Testament through this wasn't done in the hope of getting into Heaven or avoiding Hell, at this time it was to avoid being wiped out by a god directly. This was to help you avoid plagues and sickness and as a people to avoid bigger problems like drought. In no way did these people seem to think that a sacrifice in this life bought you anything in the next life.

The New Testament with its new sacrifice changed all that. It somehow made it fucking worse!

Don't worry, you still get to be an unworthy evil piece of shit wretch though, and now you get the added bonus of being eligible for an eternity burning in Hell, you can also apparently eat shellfish and bacon though, so it's not all bad.

So about this time the Abrahamic god must have started looking around and realized that the other gods were starting to have afterlives for their followers (especially after that prick Dionysus) and he decided to get in on that action.

Dionysus was one of the first god beliefs to claim an afterlife

but he was mostly known for partying.

 He decided he'd go ahead and bring his believers up to Heaven when they died, and he would have the added bonus of getting them to sing his praises all the time and forever. That might also be just as good as the smell of burnt flesh.

He wanted to something different than the same old animal sacrifices (and the priests were getting tired of the blood since they could just take the money and buy some take out on the way home) But how would he get them up here? He could have decided to just forgive everyone and let them in, but where is the glory in that? You can't have glory without the gory!

So this god decided to send his son (who is also himself) to sacrifice himself for us by letting beat him bloody and nail him to a cross where he would slowly suffocate and die in excruciating pain (well, not really die since he came back to life a couple days later). Because of this horrific bloody gory dead, but not really dead sacrifice we don't have to slaughter other animals anymore.

Of course, symbolically we still need to support the bullshit artists, but we can do that with cold hard cash and by giving them tax-exempt status on their loot, and we also and most importantly have to accept that Jesus really did this for us and accept him into our hearts and you automatically get into Heaven no matter what shit you did before you gave your soul to Jesus.

If you don't accept that this really happened and you don't accept Jesus' love into your worthless sinning wretched evil piece of shit heart than you get to go to HELL and burn forever and ever for the crime of not believing in Jesus or accepting his sacrifice. Try to do good with your life, help others and forward humanity but fail to accept this sacrifice on nothing more than faith and reassurances of the bullshit artists, you are going straight to HELL.

In summary - you're an evil piece of shit and you're going to HELL, but we can sell you a loophole! Nothing beautiful or wonderful about that.

Sacrilegious Sunday Stand Up - Week 3

In a shameless attempt to get more readers, and hopefully get repeat visits to this blog, I have decided to feature my favorite God  mocking  lampooning comic routines each Sunday. 

Patton Oswalt - Gay Marriage and Green Lantern Rings

Skycake

Sacrilegious Stand Up Sunday - Week One

In a shameless attempt to get more readers, and hopefully get repeat visits to this blog, I have decided to feature my favorite God  mocking  lampooning comic routines each Sunday. 

Got a recommendation - leave it in the comments!

George Carlin --- Religion is Bullshit

A Better Ten Commandments!

I'm taking this from another of my blogs because I really like these commandments and think they deserve their own blog entry. You can see the original blog post here.

It's pretty obvious that the bible is not a moral guide, no amount of pretending can change that fact. Only a couple of the actual Ten Commandments have anything to do with an actual moral code, and as many, many people have said all you would have to do is write "Don't fucking own people" and you will have created a more moral book than the Holy Bible.

This is what most consider to be the 10 Commandments

Thou shalt not lie, steal or kill are pretty much the only good ones.

The rest, I think we can pretty much do a lot better.

These are not the actual 10 according to the bible, more about that at the end...

With that in mind, I present my own 10 commandments. I find them much more moral, even if I use the word FUCK a lot!

I  AM THE LORD YOUR GOD...

...and These are my holy commandments and I expect you fucks to obey. Except maybe the first two, they were practice and got left in because I was feeling lazy and I really wanted there to be ten. Also, we aren't going to do the whole "Hell" thing (so I'm really not sure where that Satan dude lives) but you might have to answer to actual human authorities for being a dick, or maybe we will make you stand in a corner for a millennia or two. The point is fear my wrath asshole!

1.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's fish even if it's Branzini which is really tasty.
2.  Thou shalt go to a doctor and get that thing looked at. 
3. Thou shalt not lie, cheat, steal, kill, rape or own other people as fucking property. 
4.  Thou shalt realize there is some leeway with those first four items for the safety, wellbeing, and health of yourself and others but rape and slavery are fucking no-goes all of the time... forever.
5.  Thou shall get your children fucking vaccinated and take them to the doctor or hospital when sick. I gave you the science, fucking use it. Also if you make fun of the Anti-vaxxers  but don't believe in climate change science, shut the hell up and respect the Earth anyway.
6.  Thou shalt be as kind as possible to animals, even the food ones for they sustain you, cause them no unnecessary pain. 
7.  Thou shalt be kind to your fellow man and to yourself and when you fail in this you will apologize to them (or yourself), not me! Then actually try not to do it again.
8.  There is no holy land anywhere ever and the only chosen people are the ones who are truly kind. At the same time treat the land as if it is holy, and no, that doesn't mean fight over it.
9.  Thou shalt leave people who are not harming you the fuck alone.  This includes LGBTQ people and people with different levels of melatonin in their skin and even people you just don't fucking like. Side note - this does not mean you have to respect their unproven or delusional beliefs.  It doesn't mean you can't call them out for crazy shit or stop them from hurting themself or others, you can do all that while still respecting them. 
10.  Don't be a dick. Also, it's okay to say fuck, I do it a lot.  It's just a word. 

Who was the better Moses? Tell me in the comments!

Oh, and what about those real 10 Commandments? Exodus 34 has the replacement set for the ones Moses smashed at Mt. Sinai.

Exodus 34:28 plainly states that these are The 10 Commandments. By the way, if it seems like there are more then 10, you are obviously mistaken. God can count to 10 better than you can!

The bible also claims these are exactly the same as the first... and of course, except for being nothing like the first set, they are exactly the same!

• Don't make treaties with people who believe in other gods.
• Conquer people who believe in other gods and destroy their religious property.
• Worship the god whose name is Jealous.
• Don't make any molten gods.
• Celebrate three feasts during the year: unleavened bread, the first harvest, and the last harvest.
• Every firstborn donkey shall be redeemed by sacrificing a lamb. If a firstborn donkey is not redeemed, break its neck.
• Don't appear before God empty.
• Don't work on the Sabbath. Keep the Sabbath day holy.
• Three times a year every male must appear before God.
• When you make blood sacrifices to God, don't include any leavened bread.
• Don't delay in offering your first fruits and liquors to God.
• Don't boil a young goat in its mother's milk.

What would your 10 commandments say? I bet we can all do better than the Abrahamic god.

Why is God so angry when his children disobey?

God knows all things and has an ineffable plan, right?

• 1st John 3:20 For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.
• Acts 15:8 Known to God from eternity are all his works
• Proverbs 15:3 The eyes of the LORD are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good
• Isaiah 46:10 Declares the end from the beginning, and from ancient times things which have not been done, saying, 'My purpose will be established, and I will accomplish all my good pleasure

He even knew that Jesus would have to come to die on the cross (to forgive the sins he knew we were going to commit in advance by sacrificing himself to himself) before he even created the world.

• 1st Peter 1:20 He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake.

So basically he knew in advance everything that was going to happen. From before he created the Earth he knew that man would fail again and again and again. He knew we couldn't live up to his rules.

He knew Adam and Eve Would Fail.

He knew Cain would kill Abel.

He knew he would drown millions of living things.

He knew that he would harden Pharoah's heart and kill all the firstborn children of Egypt.

(He even knew Hollywood Moses would be a white guy)

He knew the Israelites would turn to other gods, ask for water and meat, be afraid of the Ammonites and every other thing they did that was not pleasing in his eyes. He knew every time they were going to disobey. 

He knew all these things and created this particular universe with all these failures anyway. Every one single of them part of his ineffable (un-fuck-up-able) plan... and he still created it exactly that way.

And even though he created it knowing that everything was going to happen just the way it happened...

He still gets mad. 

He still punishes people, he still kills people (Just read numbers) and he still sends people to Hell for doing exactly what his supposedly holy plan required.

He required suffering from good people. He allowed the bad to prosper and in fact made them that way.

I'm sure some apologist will come to correct me with the, "No, you send yourself to hell by rejecting god" That is bullshit, we just showed that is absolutely not true. If God knew in advance that we would fail again and again and again and specifically created this world with these failed people and it's part of his super deluxe really cool divine plan and couldn't have happened any other way then we were set up to fail.

If he knew this all before the world began then the free will argument is an absolute myth. We could not have made any other choices than the choices we made.

And still, he gets mad... again and again and again.

Of course, I don't believe any of this. How can you?

Oh... and he knew I'd write this... it's all part of his plan!