In a shameless attempt to get more readers, and hopefully get repeat visits to this blog, I have decided to feature my favorite God mocking lampooning comic routines each Sunday.
Showing posts with label blood sacrifice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blood sacrifice. Show all posts
Sunday, March 29, 2020
Wednesday, March 4, 2020
A Better Ten Commandments!
I'm taking this from another of my blogs because I really like these commandments and think they deserve their own blog entry. You can see the original blog post here.
It's pretty obvious that the bible is not a moral guide, no amount of pretending can change that fact. Only a couple of the actual Ten Commandments have anything to do with an actual moral code, and as many, many people have said all you would have to do is write "Don't fucking own people" and you will have created a more moral book than the Holy Bible.
With that in mind, I present my own 10 commandments. I find them much more moral, even if I use the word FUCK a lot!
...and These are my holy commandments and I expect you fucks to obey. Except maybe the first two, they were practice and got left in because I was feeling lazy and I really wanted there to be ten. Also, we aren't going to do the whole "Hell" thing (so I'm really not sure where that Satan dude lives) but you might have to answer to actual human authorities for being a dick, or maybe we will make you stand in a corner for a millennia or two. The point is fear my wrath asshole!
It's pretty obvious that the bible is not a moral guide, no amount of pretending can change that fact. Only a couple of the actual Ten Commandments have anything to do with an actual moral code, and as many, many people have said all you would have to do is write "Don't fucking own people" and you will have created a more moral book than the Holy Bible.
This is what most consider to be the 10 Commandments
Thou shalt not lie, steal or kill are pretty much the only good ones.
The rest, I think we can pretty much do a lot better.
These are not the actual 10 according to the bible, more about that at the end...
With that in mind, I present my own 10 commandments. I find them much more moral, even if I use the word FUCK a lot!
I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD...
...and These are my holy commandments and I expect you fucks to obey. Except maybe the first two, they were practice and got left in because I was feeling lazy and I really wanted there to be ten. Also, we aren't going to do the whole "Hell" thing (so I'm really not sure where that Satan dude lives) but you might have to answer to actual human authorities for being a dick, or maybe we will make you stand in a corner for a millennia or two. The point is fear my wrath asshole!
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's fish even if it's Branzini which is really tasty.
- Thou shalt go to a doctor and get that thing looked at.
- Thou shalt not lie, cheat, steal, kill, rape or own other people as fucking property.
- Thou shalt realize there is some leeway with those first four items for the safety, wellbeing, and health of yourself and others but rape and slavery are fucking no-goes all of the time... forever.
- Thou shall get your children fucking vaccinated and take them to the doctor or hospital when sick. I gave you the science, fucking use it. Also if you make fun of the Anti-vaxxers but don't believe in climate change science, shut the hell up and respect the Earth anyway.
- Thou shalt be as kind as possible to animals, even the food ones for they sustain you, cause them no unnecessary pain.
- Thou shalt be kind to your fellow man and to yourself and when you fail in this you will apologize to them (or yourself), not me! Then actually try not to do it again.
- There is no holy land anywhere ever and the only chosen people are the ones who are truly kind. At the same time treat the land as if it is holy, and no, that doesn't mean fight over it.
- Thou shalt leave people who are not harming you the fuck alone. This includes LGBTQ people and people with different levels of melatonin in their skin and even people you just don't fucking like. Side note - this does not mean you have to respect their unproven or delusional beliefs. It doesn't mean you can't call them out for crazy shit or stop them from hurting themself or others, you can do all that while still respecting them.
- Don't be a dick. Also, it's okay to say fuck, I do it a lot. It's just a word.
Who was the better Moses? Tell me in the comments!
Oh, and what about those real 10 Commandments? Exodus 34 has the replacement set for the ones Moses smashed at Mt. Sinai.
Exodus 34:28 plainly states that these are The 10 Commandments. By the way, if it seems like there are more then 10, you are obviously mistaken. God can count to 10 better than you can!
The bible also claims these are exactly the same as the first... and of course, except for being nothing like the first set, they are exactly the same!
The bible also claims these are exactly the same as the first... and of course, except for being nothing like the first set, they are exactly the same!
- Don't make treaties with people who believe in other gods.
- Conquer people who believe in other gods and destroy their religious property.
- Worship the god whose name is Jealous.
- Don't make any molten gods.
- Celebrate three feasts during the year: unleavened bread, the first harvest, and the last harvest.
- Every firstborn donkey shall be redeemed by sacrificing a lamb. If a firstborn donkey is not redeemed, break its neck.
- Don't appear before God empty.
- Don't work on the Sabbath. Keep the Sabbath day holy.
- Three times a year every male must appear before God.
- When you make blood sacrifices to God, don't include any leavened bread.
- Don't delay in offering your first fruits and liquors to God.
- Don't boil a young goat in its mother's milk.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
What sacrifice?
God loves you. God loves you so much that he sacrificed his only begotten son so that you might be forgiven of your sins and have eternal life in Heaven.
An omnipotent being of immense power created you. Decided you were a sinner and condemned you to hell for all eternity but then decided to give you a way out. Apparently he couldn’t just say,” Apologize and be forgiven.” No, this omnipotent being could only forgive us if something dies in our place. How is that for omnipotence? Who made that rule?
How big of a sacrifice was it really anyway. Jesus is immortal right? He came to Earth and was made man. That seems like quite a step down if you ask me. I think he would want to get that sacrafice part over and back to being a god as quick as possible. He lived as a man for about 30 years. Then he was crucified, died and was buried. Okay, so now he is dead. If he stayed dead I would consider this a big sacrifice. An immortal being actually laying down his life for us would be a pretty big deal. But, he doesn’t. On the third day he rose again from the dead and is seated at the right hand of God the father. That doesn’t really sound like that big of a sacrifice. So basically he didn't die for our sins, rather he was inconvenienced at best.
Christians love to tell parables about modern parents sacrificing their child for the greater good. one good example of this kind of story follows.
The Bridge of Life - John Griffeth lived in the western part of the United States during the depression years of dustbowls, dryness and drought. Married in 1929, the Griffeths watched their farming dreams blow into dust. Finally, they gathered their little son with their meager belongings and moved east.
There John landed a job at the Mississippi River tending a drawbridge. One summer day in 1937, he took his son to spend the day with him. Wide-eyed and full of questions, Greg watched his father as he raised the bridge to let the ships pass, then lowered it for the great trains to roar across the river.
About noon, John put up the bridge and sat with Greg on an observation platform to eat their lunches. They enjoyed the activity on the waterfront. John dreamed about traveling so he told Greg stories about the ships and where they were headed. He was so caught up in the stories that he lost consciousness of time. Suddenly he was awakened by the shrill whistle of a locomotive. He glanced at his watch, noting that it was nearly time for the Memphis Express.
John made his way to the gear-room, sat on the stool and took the lever in hand. He looked up the river and back down to see if any ships were coming. Then he glanced below ... Wait! No! No! This can't be! Terror gripped him as his heart leaped into his throat and his blood froze in his veins! Evidently, Greg tried to follow his father, slipped off the catwalk and fell into the massive gears below. His leg was caught and as sure as the sun rises in the morning, if the bridge was lowered six tons of revolving metal would grind him to death!
Mind spinning, John frantically sought for answers! He thought, "I'll run back, tie a rope, let myself down..." -- but, no! There was not a third of the needed time.
John moaned! He was trembling and perspiring as his eyes brimmed with tears. The shrill cry of the train whistle was alarmingly close. More than anything, he wanted to spare his son; but if he did many would die! There was no other way to spare their lives! Stricken and overwhelmed with grief, John bowed his quivering head, covered his eyes, and released the lever. The gear room shook as the wheels turned and the great bridge settled down into place. In moments it was over and the Memphis Express came roaring past.
John lifted his head and looked in the train. There a man read the morning news, the conductor was looking at his watch, and a woman in the dining car was feeding her little girl with a long spoon. No one noticed the heart-broken Griffeth. No one was aware of the grieving father or the newly torn body of his dear son. Choking with passion John called out, "What's the matter with you people? I just GAVE MY SON for you! Don't you even care?" Nobody heard; nobody looked; nobody knew and no one responded as the train disappeared across the river.
It is a sad, heat rending story of sacrifice. It’s also very grisly and horrific. Some Christians even claim it is true. Who knows, it could be, but it is very as by 1937, every drawbridge should have been protected by signals that would stop the train if the bridge was not down and locked. But think about the story as an allegory to God’s sacrifice of his only son. I feel for the man in the story, but would I still feel for him as strongly if I realized he got his son back whole and healthy three days later? Would the story be as anguished if knew father and son would be reunited in just a few short days? It kind of loses the emotional impact doesn’t it? We can still feel for the child’s pain and anguish, but, if he comes back to life after a few short days, that’s about it.
Christians, why won’t you die for me? You are going to Heaven after you die right? Currently I am going to Hell by everything you believe. Shouldn't you be willing to die for me, or for anyone who believes differently than you do? You know you’re waking up in Heaven. It is a wonderful happy place in the bosom of God. You know I am going straight to Hell. (Hint, if you actually believed in Heaven and the "message" of Jesus you would be.)
Are you not supposed to “Love your neighbor as yourself”? If so you should be willing to take a bullet for anyone of a different religion such as Islam or Hinduism, or even a godless Antichrist such as me. Instead of fighting them, you should be dying for them. Perhaps, by your gracious sacrifice they would be saved. Seeing you giving up your life for them might touch their hearts and bring them at last into God’s bosom.
But you’re not willing to die for me are you? You're ready to lecture me, persecute me, and pray for me, even kill me but you would never die for me. Why not?
An omnipotent being of immense power created you. Decided you were a sinner and condemned you to hell for all eternity but then decided to give you a way out. Apparently he couldn’t just say,” Apologize and be forgiven.” No, this omnipotent being could only forgive us if something dies in our place. How is that for omnipotence? Who made that rule?
How big of a sacrifice was it really anyway. Jesus is immortal right? He came to Earth and was made man. That seems like quite a step down if you ask me. I think he would want to get that sacrafice part over and back to being a god as quick as possible. He lived as a man for about 30 years. Then he was crucified, died and was buried. Okay, so now he is dead. If he stayed dead I would consider this a big sacrifice. An immortal being actually laying down his life for us would be a pretty big deal. But, he doesn’t. On the third day he rose again from the dead and is seated at the right hand of God the father. That doesn’t really sound like that big of a sacrifice. So basically he didn't die for our sins, rather he was inconvenienced at best.
Actual last words. "This is really screwing up my weekend!"
The Bridge of Life - John Griffeth lived in the western part of the United States during the depression years of dustbowls, dryness and drought. Married in 1929, the Griffeths watched their farming dreams blow into dust. Finally, they gathered their little son with their meager belongings and moved east.
There John landed a job at the Mississippi River tending a drawbridge. One summer day in 1937, he took his son to spend the day with him. Wide-eyed and full of questions, Greg watched his father as he raised the bridge to let the ships pass, then lowered it for the great trains to roar across the river.
About noon, John put up the bridge and sat with Greg on an observation platform to eat their lunches. They enjoyed the activity on the waterfront. John dreamed about traveling so he told Greg stories about the ships and where they were headed. He was so caught up in the stories that he lost consciousness of time. Suddenly he was awakened by the shrill whistle of a locomotive. He glanced at his watch, noting that it was nearly time for the Memphis Express.
John made his way to the gear-room, sat on the stool and took the lever in hand. He looked up the river and back down to see if any ships were coming. Then he glanced below ... Wait! No! No! This can't be! Terror gripped him as his heart leaped into his throat and his blood froze in his veins! Evidently, Greg tried to follow his father, slipped off the catwalk and fell into the massive gears below. His leg was caught and as sure as the sun rises in the morning, if the bridge was lowered six tons of revolving metal would grind him to death!
Mind spinning, John frantically sought for answers! He thought, "I'll run back, tie a rope, let myself down..." -- but, no! There was not a third of the needed time.
John moaned! He was trembling and perspiring as his eyes brimmed with tears. The shrill cry of the train whistle was alarmingly close. More than anything, he wanted to spare his son; but if he did many would die! There was no other way to spare their lives! Stricken and overwhelmed with grief, John bowed his quivering head, covered his eyes, and released the lever. The gear room shook as the wheels turned and the great bridge settled down into place. In moments it was over and the Memphis Express came roaring past.
John lifted his head and looked in the train. There a man read the morning news, the conductor was looking at his watch, and a woman in the dining car was feeding her little girl with a long spoon. No one noticed the heart-broken Griffeth. No one was aware of the grieving father or the newly torn body of his dear son. Choking with passion John called out, "What's the matter with you people? I just GAVE MY SON for you! Don't you even care?" Nobody heard; nobody looked; nobody knew and no one responded as the train disappeared across the river.
It is a sad, heat rending story of sacrifice. It’s also very grisly and horrific. Some Christians even claim it is true. Who knows, it could be, but it is very as by 1937, every drawbridge should have been protected by signals that would stop the train if the bridge was not down and locked. But think about the story as an allegory to God’s sacrifice of his only son. I feel for the man in the story, but would I still feel for him as strongly if I realized he got his son back whole and healthy three days later? Would the story be as anguished if knew father and son would be reunited in just a few short days? It kind of loses the emotional impact doesn’t it? We can still feel for the child’s pain and anguish, but, if he comes back to life after a few short days, that’s about it.
Christians, why won’t you die for me? You are going to Heaven after you die right? Currently I am going to Hell by everything you believe. Shouldn't you be willing to die for me, or for anyone who believes differently than you do? You know you’re waking up in Heaven. It is a wonderful happy place in the bosom of God. You know I am going straight to Hell. (Hint, if you actually believed in Heaven and the "message" of Jesus you would be.)
Are you not supposed to “Love your neighbor as yourself”? If so you should be willing to take a bullet for anyone of a different religion such as Islam or Hinduism, or even a godless Antichrist such as me. Instead of fighting them, you should be dying for them. Perhaps, by your gracious sacrifice they would be saved. Seeing you giving up your life for them might touch their hearts and bring them at last into God’s bosom.
But you’re not willing to die for me are you? You're ready to lecture me, persecute me, and pray for me, even kill me but you would never die for me. Why not?
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Born Again Twice Fundamentalist Atheist
I consider myself to be a
born again twice fundamentalist atheist. In my mind there are two general
categories of Christian in this world (although their is a great deal of
disagreement even between these two generalized groups). The first group
believes every single word is 100% accurate and true. If the bible says it
happened then it had to happen. The second group of Christians believe the bible
is partially mythological in nature. They believe in the divinity of Jesus, but
they might not believe in Adam or Noah.
The problem I have with
the first group is that they have to believe some pretty ridiculous things. Like
Balam's talking donkey and angles having sex with humans. They also have to
believe God is a good and loving being in spite of doing horribly cruel and down
right evil things to his creations. Things like killing 42 children for calling
a man bald, or killing 70,000 innocent people because King David took a census,
or even worse sending his own creations to burn in hell forever if they find
they can't believe in a God who at one time could flood the world, but these
days his best miracle is appearing on toast.
Talking Donkey - Good idea in Shrek, bad idea in a Holy Book
The problem with the
second group is that the bible traces Jesus' lineage all the way back to Adam.
Jesus himself makes references to Noah as if he was real. Some of these Christians
even see Hell as a metaphor. They will happily tell you all about how God is
love while dismissing all his evil and cruelty. They will cherry pick there way
through the bible. The problem with this is that if part of the bible is untrue
the entire book has to be cast in doubt.
In this blog I plan to write about the bible, Christianity, other holy book and religions in general. I will tell you why I no longer believe. I will not censor any ones comments but I will argue with you about them. I'll respect your right to an opinion, but I won't always respect the opinion itself.
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