Holy Matrimony & Hanky Panky: A Divine Dive into Old Testament Adultery Laws

Ah, the Old Testament, that ancient tome of wisdom, rules, and a whole lot of smiting. Ever cracked it open to peek at the adultery laws? Spoiler alert: they’re a wild ride, especially if you’re a married lady or a virgin gal. So, grab your holy water and let’s dive into the divine drama!

God doesn't approve - or, does he? The answer might surprise you.

First off, let’s get one thing straight – back in the biblical days, adultery wasn’t just a sneaky rendezvous in the bushes. Oh no, it was a serious no-no, with some pretty hefty consequences. I mean, we’re talking stones flying and not in a groovy, psychedelic way.

Now, you might be thinking, “But what about the dudes?” Ah, my friend, here’s where it gets interesting. The Old Testament was pretty chill with the fellas. A married man could have a little extramarital adventure, and as long as the lady wasn’t married or engaged, it was all kosher. Talk about double standards!

The dudes could get as much as they wanted whether married or not as long 

as she wasn't someone else's property.

But woe betide the married women and virgin girls caught in the act! The law was crystal clear – no hanky-panky allowed! A married woman getting cozy with a man who wasn’t her hubby? That’s a stoning, right there in the town square. A virgin betrothed to a dude but found with another? You guessed it, more stones flying!

 

Did someone say, "Stone Her?"

And the reasons? Well, it’s all about lineage, baby! You see, back in the day, people were obsessed with keeping the family line purer than a snowflake. A man’s seed was sacred, and they didn’t want any mix-ups with the neighbor’s kid claiming inheritance. It’s like an ancient episode of Maury – “You are NOT the father!”But here’s the kicker – if a man found a lady who wasn’t betrothed or married, and they had a little roll in the hay, the punishment was… a wedding and a fine! That’s right, folks, a bit of silver and a trip down the aisle, and all was forgiven. Talk about a shotgun wedding!

Now, I know what you’re thinking – “This all sounds pretty unfair!” And you’d be right. But remember, this was a time when locusts were a legit form of divine punishment and people lived in tents in the desert. Times have changed, thank goodness!

So, next time you’re swiping right or left, spare a thought for the ladies of the Old Testament, navigating a world of divine laws, flying stones, and ancient paternity tests. And remember, whether it’s biblical times or the 21st century, love and relationships are always a divine comedy!

So why would this God guy set down rules that only apply to one gender? If he was real, he wouldn't. These were property laws. Women were a form of property. A way for the father to enrich himself by selling an a daughter with an intact hymen (and yes, they checked on the wedding night) or a way for a husband to keep his property. Why any woman would follow a religion that made them property is beyond me.

Sacrilegious Stand Up Sunday - Week One

In a shameless attempt to get more readers, and hopefully get repeat visits to this blog, I have decided to feature my favorite God  mocking  lampooning comic routines each Sunday. 

Got a recommendation - leave it in the comments!

George Carlin --- Religion is Bullshit

Why is God so angry when his children disobey?

God knows all things and has an ineffable plan, right?

• 1st John 3:20 For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.
• Acts 15:8 Known to God from eternity are all his works
• Proverbs 15:3 The eyes of the LORD are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good
• Isaiah 46:10 Declares the end from the beginning, and from ancient times things which have not been done, saying, 'My purpose will be established, and I will accomplish all my good pleasure

He even knew that Jesus would have to come to die on the cross (to forgive the sins he knew we were going to commit in advance by sacrificing himself to himself) before he even created the world.

• 1st Peter 1:20 He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake.

So basically he knew in advance everything that was going to happen. From before he created the Earth he knew that man would fail again and again and again. He knew we couldn't live up to his rules.

He knew Adam and Eve Would Fail.

He knew Cain would kill Abel.

He knew he would drown millions of living things.

He knew that he would harden Pharoah's heart and kill all the firstborn children of Egypt.

(He even knew Hollywood Moses would be a white guy)

He knew the Israelites would turn to other gods, ask for water and meat, be afraid of the Ammonites and every other thing they did that was not pleasing in his eyes. He knew every time they were going to disobey. 

He knew all these things and created this particular universe with all these failures anyway. Every one single of them part of his ineffable (un-fuck-up-able) plan... and he still created it exactly that way.

And even though he created it knowing that everything was going to happen just the way it happened...

He still gets mad. 

He still punishes people, he still kills people (Just read numbers) and he still sends people to Hell for doing exactly what his supposedly holy plan required.

He required suffering from good people. He allowed the bad to prosper and in fact made them that way.

I'm sure some apologist will come to correct me with the, "No, you send yourself to hell by rejecting god" That is bullshit, we just showed that is absolutely not true. If God knew in advance that we would fail again and again and again and specifically created this world with these failed people and it's part of his super deluxe really cool divine plan and couldn't have happened any other way then we were set up to fail.

If he knew this all before the world began then the free will argument is an absolute myth. We could not have made any other choices than the choices we made.

And still, he gets mad... again and again and again.

Of course, I don't believe any of this. How can you?

Oh... and he knew I'd write this... it's all part of his plan!

Jesus Creates the first Deviled Ham, while ruining a Pig Farmers life..

Do you love Deviled Ham? I rarely have it, but I like it. By today's standards, "Deviled" just means to make spicy. Usually with Cayenne, Hot Peppers or Mustard, things of that nature. You can Devil up all kinds of foods, such as Eggs, Chicken and even Turkey.

Mmmmmm Deviled Ham... Yummy

But is that what it meant 2000 years ago when Jesus created the first Deviled Ham? What?you didn't know Jesus created the first Devil Ham? What do they teach you in Bible school these days?

It happened in Matthew 8:28-34, Mark 5:1-17, and Luke 8:26-37

See Jesus and the fellas had traveled into the country of Gaderenes and was met by a man possessed by a whole buncha demons. I mean a lot of demons. Not just one or two (or seven like Mary Magdelene had in Mark 16:9). In fact, there were so many Demons that Matthew thought it was two men who were possessed, but the other two Gospels think it was just one guy, so maybe whoever wrote the book of Matthew was high). 

So anyway this guy (or two guys) was really fucking possessed. He lived in the tombs and was constantly screaming and gnashing himself with rocks and I guess having that many demons inside you gives you some kind of super-strength because the dude could break chains and could not be bound.

Anyway, the guy(or guys) sees Jesus and runs up to him saying, "What business do we have with each other, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I implore You by God, do not torment me!" And Jesus said, "What is your name? (red letters, just like a real bible)" To which the man replied, "My name is Legion, for we are many." and then the demons inside the man implored Jesus not to send them out of the country.

I don't know why... maybe Gaderenes was really nice that time of year.

Anyway, I guess Jesus, big softie that he is decided to let them come out of the man and to go into a herd of swine that was nearby. Jesus must not have thought it out to well though, for once the demons were in the swine they went bat shit crazy. 2000 demon-possessed pigs then ran off a cliff and drowned in the sea. 

Probably a good thing the killed themselves... demon pigs are scary as fuck!

So then the herdsman seeing this ran away and told everyone in the city and country what had happened and how this holy man Jesus had created the very first Deviled Ham. No one got to taste that deviled ham though, and that's probably a good thing.

Of course, before going and telling everyone all over the countryside about this crazy cool miracle, someone probably went and told the owner of the pigs. I'm assuming someone owned the pigs, because why else would you have herdsmen watching them.

Anyway, although it's not in the bible I am pretty sure we know what the owner of the pigs probably said. He probably sat down, cried a little while and then looked up knowing his lively hood had been all but destroyed. He probably thought about the other times this Jesus guy had cast out demons without sending them into other animals. He probably said, "Fuck Jesus!"

I don't know what pig meat went for back then... but today. Pig meat sells for between $2-$4 a pound with an average of $3.50. The average weight at slaughter is 265lbs. By today's standards Jesus cost this guy $1,855,000. Over a million dollars... and yet people buy this bullshit!

And that's the story of how Jesus created the first Deviled Ham and ruined a pig farmer's life.

The End? 

Until the pigs crawl out of the sea for the sequel... Demon Pigs From Hell Part II

Could this be actual evidence the pig demons were real?

Hey, leave a comment! Pig puns welcome!