God can't lie. The book (okay pamphlet, blog post, or whatever) says so. I God wrote this through my prophet, therefore it contains no lies and completely proves itself.
The Earth was created at 12 noon yesterday. Any evidence or memories you have going back before 12 noon yesterday were put there by Satan (or as I like to call him, my horny adversary) and that includes the date on this blog (whatever the date claims it was yesterday at noon, God told me so).
These are my holy commandments and I expect you fucks to obey. Except maybe the first two, they were practice and got left in because I was feeling lazy and I really wanted there to be ten. Also, we aren't going to do the whole "Hell" thing (so I'm really not sure where that Satan guy mentioned above lives) but you might have to answer to actual human authorities for being a dick, or maybe we will make you stand in a corner for a millennia or two. The point is fear my wrath asshole!
1) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's fish even if it's Branzini which is really tasty.
2) Thou shalt go to a doctor and get that thing looked at.
3)Thou shalt not lie, cheat, steal, kill, rape or own other people as fucking property.
4) Thou shalt realize there is some leeway with those first four items for the safety, wellbeing, and health of yourself and others but rape and slavery are fucking no-goes all of the time... forever.
5) Thou shall get your children fucking vaccinated and take them to the doctor or hospital when sick. I gave you the science, fucking use it. Also if you make fun of the Anti-vaxxers but don't believe in climate change science, shut the hell up and respect the Earth anyway.
6) Thou shalt be as kind as possible to animals, even the food ones for they sustain you, cause them no unnecessary pain.
7) Thou shalt be kind to your fellow man and to yourself and when you fail in this you will apologize to them (or yourself), not me! Then actually try not to do it again.
8) There is no holy land anywhere ever and the only chosen people are the ones who are truly kind. At the same time treat the land as if it is holy, and no, that doesn't mean fight over it.
9) Thou shalt leave people who are not harming you the fuck alone. This includes LGBTQ people and people with different levels of melatonin in their skin and even people you just don't fucking like. Side note - this does not mean you have to respect their unproven or delusional beliefs. It doesn't mean you can't call them out for crazy shit or stop them from hurting themself or others, you can do all that while still respecting them.
10) Don't be a dick. Also, it's okay to say fuck, I do it a lot. It's just a word.
My son may or may not be Neil DeGrasse Tyson, but you should really listen to that guy either way. Except about the age of the Earth (because I like already told you that shit). Oh and don't kill him... that does nothing for me.
Oh, and since prophecy will serve to legitimize this shit I predict there are few who will not accept these words until all is fullfilled (and I don't know what the fuck that means, but someone will interpret it later).
Don't take any of this on faith. It's all provable... and if it's not then be smart enough to stop believing it. M'kay?
Really, seriously don't covet thy neighbor's fish.
Branzini is good even if you don't like fish!
Would love some comments if anyone reads this. Just to know... hey someone read this shit.
ReplyDeleteMaybe add in thou shalt respect the Earth and its environment.
ReplyDeleteI figured out exactly where to add that. I'll do it when I get home.
DeleteIn “The Pervert’s Guide To Ideology,” philosopher and film critic (in the literary sense) Slavoj Zizek makes an interesting comment about “The Last Temptation of Christ.” Speaking of Christ’s last words on the cross (which include “Father, father, why have you forsaken me?”), he says something like “Here is where Christianity admits there is no god,” (please watch the movie and find out what he says—I may be misquoting). He goes on to say that in these words of Christ, and later, in the idea of the Holy Spirit, is the true path forward for atheists (he is an atheist)—it’s confusing a bit, but he talks about the Christian idea of the spirit motivating people to behave well towards each other as basically admitting that to the extent we live by an ideal—to that extent it is true. It is up to US to implement the golden rule—no-one is going to impose it upon the human race magically from outside. Zizek then says that Christianity, seen in this light, is really the only true “atheist religion,” in that Christ himself admits that no magical being saves him from his fate, and the degree to which we are willing to live according to his principles—collectively— is the degree to which they are real forces in the world.
ReplyDeleteI will watch it. Sounds very good.
DeleteI have been touched inappropriately by your words and as such I am now a devout minion of your cause.
ReplyDeleteTell me more how I should behave whilst I cling to the plate of your Branzini
Get your own Branzini. The best fish I ever had was Branzini in Austin, but I can't remember the name of the place.
DeleteIt was called Chez Ze
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