Sacrilegious Stand up - Week 4

In a shameless attempt to get more readers, and hopefully get repeat visits to this blog, I have decided to feature my favorite God  mocking  lampooning comic routines each Sunday. 

Jim Jefferies - God is drunk at a party

Sacrilegious Sunday Stand Up - Week 3

In a shameless attempt to get more readers, and hopefully get repeat visits to this blog, I have decided to feature my favorite God  mocking  lampooning comic routines each Sunday. 

Patton Oswalt - Gay Marriage and Green Lantern Rings

Skycake

Sacrilegious Stand Up Sunday - Week One

In a shameless attempt to get more readers, and hopefully get repeat visits to this blog, I have decided to feature my favorite God  mocking  lampooning comic routines each Sunday. 

Got a recommendation - leave it in the comments!

George Carlin --- Religion is Bullshit

A Better Ten Commandments!

I'm taking this from another of my blogs because I really like these commandments and think they deserve their own blog entry. You can see the original blog post here.

It's pretty obvious that the bible is not a moral guide, no amount of pretending can change that fact. Only a couple of the actual Ten Commandments have anything to do with an actual moral code, and as many, many people have said all you would have to do is write "Don't fucking own people" and you will have created a more moral book than the Holy Bible.

This is what most consider to be the 10 Commandments

Thou shalt not lie, steal or kill are pretty much the only good ones.

The rest, I think we can pretty much do a lot better.

These are not the actual 10 according to the bible, more about that at the end...

With that in mind, I present my own 10 commandments. I find them much more moral, even if I use the word FUCK a lot!

I  AM THE LORD YOUR GOD...

...and These are my holy commandments and I expect you fucks to obey. Except maybe the first two, they were practice and got left in because I was feeling lazy and I really wanted there to be ten. Also, we aren't going to do the whole "Hell" thing (so I'm really not sure where that Satan dude lives) but you might have to answer to actual human authorities for being a dick, or maybe we will make you stand in a corner for a millennia or two. The point is fear my wrath asshole!

1.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's fish even if it's Branzini which is really tasty.
2.  Thou shalt go to a doctor and get that thing looked at. 
3. Thou shalt not lie, cheat, steal, kill, rape or own other people as fucking property. 
4.  Thou shalt realize there is some leeway with those first four items for the safety, wellbeing, and health of yourself and others but rape and slavery are fucking no-goes all of the time... forever.
5.  Thou shall get your children fucking vaccinated and take them to the doctor or hospital when sick. I gave you the science, fucking use it. Also if you make fun of the Anti-vaxxers  but don't believe in climate change science, shut the hell up and respect the Earth anyway.
6.  Thou shalt be as kind as possible to animals, even the food ones for they sustain you, cause them no unnecessary pain. 
7.  Thou shalt be kind to your fellow man and to yourself and when you fail in this you will apologize to them (or yourself), not me! Then actually try not to do it again.
8.  There is no holy land anywhere ever and the only chosen people are the ones who are truly kind. At the same time treat the land as if it is holy, and no, that doesn't mean fight over it.
9.  Thou shalt leave people who are not harming you the fuck alone.  This includes LGBTQ people and people with different levels of melatonin in their skin and even people you just don't fucking like. Side note - this does not mean you have to respect their unproven or delusional beliefs.  It doesn't mean you can't call them out for crazy shit or stop them from hurting themself or others, you can do all that while still respecting them. 
10.  Don't be a dick. Also, it's okay to say fuck, I do it a lot.  It's just a word. 

Who was the better Moses? Tell me in the comments!

Oh, and what about those real 10 Commandments? Exodus 34 has the replacement set for the ones Moses smashed at Mt. Sinai.

Exodus 34:28 plainly states that these are The 10 Commandments. By the way, if it seems like there are more then 10, you are obviously mistaken. God can count to 10 better than you can!

The bible also claims these are exactly the same as the first... and of course, except for being nothing like the first set, they are exactly the same!

• Don't make treaties with people who believe in other gods.
• Conquer people who believe in other gods and destroy their religious property.
• Worship the god whose name is Jealous.
• Don't make any molten gods.
• Celebrate three feasts during the year: unleavened bread, the first harvest, and the last harvest.
• Every firstborn donkey shall be redeemed by sacrificing a lamb. If a firstborn donkey is not redeemed, break its neck.
• Don't appear before God empty.
• Don't work on the Sabbath. Keep the Sabbath day holy.
• Three times a year every male must appear before God.
• When you make blood sacrifices to God, don't include any leavened bread.
• Don't delay in offering your first fruits and liquors to God.
• Don't boil a young goat in its mother's milk.

What would your 10 commandments say? I bet we can all do better than the Abrahamic god.

Why is God so angry when his children disobey?

God knows all things and has an ineffable plan, right?

• 1st John 3:20 For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.
• Acts 15:8 Known to God from eternity are all his works
• Proverbs 15:3 The eyes of the LORD are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good
• Isaiah 46:10 Declares the end from the beginning, and from ancient times things which have not been done, saying, 'My purpose will be established, and I will accomplish all my good pleasure

He even knew that Jesus would have to come to die on the cross (to forgive the sins he knew we were going to commit in advance by sacrificing himself to himself) before he even created the world.

• 1st Peter 1:20 He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake.

So basically he knew in advance everything that was going to happen. From before he created the Earth he knew that man would fail again and again and again. He knew we couldn't live up to his rules.

He knew Adam and Eve Would Fail.

He knew Cain would kill Abel.

He knew he would drown millions of living things.

He knew that he would harden Pharoah's heart and kill all the firstborn children of Egypt.

(He even knew Hollywood Moses would be a white guy)

He knew the Israelites would turn to other gods, ask for water and meat, be afraid of the Ammonites and every other thing they did that was not pleasing in his eyes. He knew every time they were going to disobey. 

He knew all these things and created this particular universe with all these failures anyway. Every one single of them part of his ineffable (un-fuck-up-able) plan... and he still created it exactly that way.

And even though he created it knowing that everything was going to happen just the way it happened...

He still gets mad. 

He still punishes people, he still kills people (Just read numbers) and he still sends people to Hell for doing exactly what his supposedly holy plan required.

He required suffering from good people. He allowed the bad to prosper and in fact made them that way.

I'm sure some apologist will come to correct me with the, "No, you send yourself to hell by rejecting god" That is bullshit, we just showed that is absolutely not true. If God knew in advance that we would fail again and again and again and specifically created this world with these failed people and it's part of his super deluxe really cool divine plan and couldn't have happened any other way then we were set up to fail.

If he knew this all before the world began then the free will argument is an absolute myth. We could not have made any other choices than the choices we made.

And still, he gets mad... again and again and again.

Of course, I don't believe any of this. How can you?

Oh... and he knew I'd write this... it's all part of his plan!