A Better Ten Commandments!

I'm taking this from another of my blogs because I really like these commandments and think they deserve their own blog entry. You can see the original blog post here.

It's pretty obvious that the bible is not a moral guide, no amount of pretending can change that fact. Only a couple of the actual Ten Commandments have anything to do with an actual moral code, and as many, many people have said all you would have to do is write "Don't fucking own people" and you will have created a more moral book than the Holy Bible.

This is what most consider to be the 10 Commandments

Thou shalt not lie, steal or kill are pretty much the only good ones.

The rest, I think we can pretty much do a lot better.

These are not the actual 10 according to the bible, more about that at the end...

With that in mind, I present my own 10 commandments. I find them much more moral, even if I use the word FUCK a lot!

I  AM THE LORD YOUR GOD...

...and These are my holy commandments and I expect you fucks to obey. Except maybe the first two, they were practice and got left in because I was feeling lazy and I really wanted there to be ten. Also, we aren't going to do the whole "Hell" thing (so I'm really not sure where that Satan dude lives) but you might have to answer to actual human authorities for being a dick, or maybe we will make you stand in a corner for a millennia or two. The point is fear my wrath asshole!

1.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's fish even if it's Branzini which is really tasty.
2.  Thou shalt go to a doctor and get that thing looked at. 
3. Thou shalt not lie, cheat, steal, kill, rape or own other people as fucking property. 
4.  Thou shalt realize there is some leeway with those first four items for the safety, wellbeing, and health of yourself and others but rape and slavery are fucking no-goes all of the time... forever.
5.  Thou shall get your children fucking vaccinated and take them to the doctor or hospital when sick. I gave you the science, fucking use it. Also if you make fun of the Anti-vaxxers  but don't believe in climate change science, shut the hell up and respect the Earth anyway.
6.  Thou shalt be as kind as possible to animals, even the food ones for they sustain you, cause them no unnecessary pain. 
7.  Thou shalt be kind to your fellow man and to yourself and when you fail in this you will apologize to them (or yourself), not me! Then actually try not to do it again.
8.  There is no holy land anywhere ever and the only chosen people are the ones who are truly kind. At the same time treat the land as if it is holy, and no, that doesn't mean fight over it.
9.  Thou shalt leave people who are not harming you the fuck alone.  This includes LGBTQ people and people with different levels of melatonin in their skin and even people you just don't fucking like. Side note - this does not mean you have to respect their unproven or delusional beliefs.  It doesn't mean you can't call them out for crazy shit or stop them from hurting themself or others, you can do all that while still respecting them. 
10.  Don't be a dick. Also, it's okay to say fuck, I do it a lot.  It's just a word. 

Who was the better Moses? Tell me in the comments!

Oh, and what about those real 10 Commandments? Exodus 34 has the replacement set for the ones Moses smashed at Mt. Sinai.

Exodus 34:28 plainly states that these are The 10 Commandments. By the way, if it seems like there are more then 10, you are obviously mistaken. God can count to 10 better than you can!

The bible also claims these are exactly the same as the first... and of course, except for being nothing like the first set, they are exactly the same!

• Don't make treaties with people who believe in other gods.
• Conquer people who believe in other gods and destroy their religious property.
• Worship the god whose name is Jealous.
• Don't make any molten gods.
• Celebrate three feasts during the year: unleavened bread, the first harvest, and the last harvest.
• Every firstborn donkey shall be redeemed by sacrificing a lamb. If a firstborn donkey is not redeemed, break its neck.
• Don't appear before God empty.
• Don't work on the Sabbath. Keep the Sabbath day holy.
• Three times a year every male must appear before God.
• When you make blood sacrifices to God, don't include any leavened bread.
• Don't delay in offering your first fruits and liquors to God.
• Don't boil a young goat in its mother's milk.

What would your 10 commandments say? I bet we can all do better than the Abrahamic god.

Was Jesus smoking the Devil's Lettuce?

There are a growing number of people claiming that Jesus (if he was real) was using Cannabis Oil in his anointing oil to cure people. I haven't given this any thought since I have never read anything that claims CBD heals leprosy or brings the dead back to life. However, I just recently read the gnostic Gospel of Thomas. It's a book of Jesus' sayings that didn't make the bible (it wasn't found until later, but dates to about the same time as the biblical gospels) It is short (114 verses) but has given me a new perspective.

You can listen to the Gospel of Thomas here - it's short, less than an hour.

If Jesus was real he and his disciples were on really good drugs.

For instance:

Verse 60: <They saw> a Samaritan carrying a lamb on his way to Judea. He said to his disciples, "That man is round about the lamb."

They said to him, "So that he may kill it and eat it."

He said to them, "While it is alive, he will not eat it, but only when he has killed it and it has become a corpse."

They said to him, "He cannot do so otherwise."

He said to them, "You too, look for a place for yourself within repose, lest you become a corpse and be eaten."

And the last verse:

Verse 114: Simon Peter said to them, "Make Mary leave us, for females don't deserve life."

Jesus said, "Look, I will guide her to make her male, so that she too may become a living spirit resembling you males. For every female who makes herself male will enter the kingdom of Heaven."

What do you think, was the Christian lord and savior smoking the devil's lettuce?

For even more mind-blowing fun.... look up the Gospel of Mary!

From Atheist to Prophet in one Day - Really, Really, Really Young Earth Creationism

Today I went from Atheist to full-blown prophet for the one true God. He spake unto me and made me write the following, there may or may not have been some golden tablets written in revised Egyptian involved.

God can't lie.  The book (okay pamphlet, blog post, or whatever)  says so. I God wrote this through my prophet, therefore it contains no lies and completely proves itself. 

The Earth was created at 12 noon yesterday.  Any evidence or memories you have going back before 12 noon yesterday were put there by Satan (or as I like to call him, my horny adversary) and that includes the date on this blog (whatever the date claims it was yesterday at noon,  God told me so).

These are my holy commandments and I expect you fucks to obey. Except maybe the first two, they were practice and got left in because I was feeling lazy and I really wanted there to be ten. Also, we aren't going to do the whole "Hell" thing (so I'm really not sure where that Satan guy mentioned above lives) but you might have to answer to actual human authorities for being a dick, or maybe we will make you stand in a corner for a millennia or two. The point is fear my wrath asshole!

1) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's fish even if it's Branzini which is really tasty.
2) Thou shalt go to a doctor and get that thing looked at. 
3)Thou shalt not lie, cheat, steal, kill, rape or own other people as fucking property. 
4) Thou shalt realize there is some leeway with those first four items for the safety, wellbeing, and health of yourself and others but rape and slavery are fucking no-goes all of the time... forever.
5) Thou shall get your children fucking vaccinated and take them to the doctor or hospital when sick. I gave you the science, fucking use it. Also if you make fun of the Anti-vaxxers  but don't believe in climate change science, shut the hell up and respect the Earth anyway.
6) Thou shalt be as kind as possible to animals, even the food ones for they sustain you, cause them no unnecessary pain. 
7) Thou shalt be kind to your fellow man and to yourself and when you fail in this you will apologize to them (or yourself), not me! Then actually try not to do it again.
8) There is no holy land anywhere ever and the only chosen people are the ones who are truly kind. At the same time treat the land as if it is holy, and no, that doesn't mean fight over it.
9) Thou shalt leave people who are not harming you the fuck alone.  This includes LGBTQ people and people with different levels of melatonin in their skin and even people you just don't fucking like. Side note - this does not mean you have to respect their unproven or delusional beliefs.  It doesn't mean you can't call them out for crazy shit or stop them from hurting themself or others, you can do all that while still respecting them. 
10) Don't be a dick. Also, it's okay to say fuck, I do it a lot.  It's just a word. 

My son may or may not be Neil DeGrasse Tyson, but you should really listen to that guy either way. Except about the age of the Earth (because I like already told you that shit). Oh and don't kill him... that does nothing for me. 
Oh, and since prophecy will serve to legitimize this shit I predict there are few who will not accept these words until all is fullfilled (and I don't know what the fuck that means, but someone will interpret it later).

Don't take any of this on faith. It's all provable... and if it's not then be smart enough to stop believing it.  M'kay?

Really, seriously don't covet thy neighbor's fish.

Branzini is good even if you don't like fish!