Jesus Creates the first Deviled Ham, while ruining a Pig Farmers life..

Do you love Deviled Ham? I rarely have it, but I like it. By today's standards, "Deviled" just means to make spicy. Usually with Cayenne, Hot Peppers or Mustard, things of that nature. You can Devil up all kinds of foods, such as Eggs, Chicken and even Turkey.

Mmmmmm Deviled Ham... Yummy

But is that what it meant 2000 years ago when Jesus created the first Deviled Ham? What?you didn't know Jesus created the first Devil Ham? What do they teach you in Bible school these days?

It happened in Matthew 8:28-34, Mark 5:1-17, and Luke 8:26-37

See Jesus and the fellas had traveled into the country of Gaderenes and was met by a man possessed by a whole buncha demons. I mean a lot of demons. Not just one or two (or seven like Mary Magdelene had in Mark 16:9). In fact, there were so many Demons that Matthew thought it was two men who were possessed, but the other two Gospels think it was just one guy, so maybe whoever wrote the book of Matthew was high). 

So anyway this guy (or two guys) was really fucking possessed. He lived in the tombs and was constantly screaming and gnashing himself with rocks and I guess having that many demons inside you gives you some kind of super-strength because the dude could break chains and could not be bound.

Anyway, the guy(or guys) sees Jesus and runs up to him saying, "What business do we have with each other, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I implore You by God, do not torment me!" And Jesus said, "What is your name? (red letters, just like a real bible)" To which the man replied, "My name is Legion, for we are many." and then the demons inside the man implored Jesus not to send them out of the country.

I don't know why... maybe Gaderenes was really nice that time of year.

Anyway, I guess Jesus, big softie that he is decided to let them come out of the man and to go into a herd of swine that was nearby. Jesus must not have thought it out to well though, for once the demons were in the swine they went bat shit crazy. 2000 demon-possessed pigs then ran off a cliff and drowned in the sea. 

Probably a good thing the killed themselves... demon pigs are scary as fuck!

So then the herdsman seeing this ran away and told everyone in the city and country what had happened and how this holy man Jesus had created the very first Deviled Ham. No one got to taste that deviled ham though, and that's probably a good thing.

Of course, before going and telling everyone all over the countryside about this crazy cool miracle, someone probably went and told the owner of the pigs. I'm assuming someone owned the pigs, because why else would you have herdsmen watching them.

Anyway, although it's not in the bible I am pretty sure we know what the owner of the pigs probably said. He probably sat down, cried a little while and then looked up knowing his lively hood had been all but destroyed. He probably thought about the other times this Jesus guy had cast out demons without sending them into other animals. He probably said, "Fuck Jesus!"

I don't know what pig meat went for back then... but today. Pig meat sells for between $2-$4 a pound with an average of $3.50. The average weight at slaughter is 265lbs. By today's standards Jesus cost this guy $1,855,000. Over a million dollars... and yet people buy this bullshit!

And that's the story of how Jesus created the first Deviled Ham and ruined a pig farmer's life.

The End? 

Until the pigs crawl out of the sea for the sequel... Demon Pigs From Hell Part II

Could this be actual evidence the pig demons were real?

Hey, leave a comment! Pig puns welcome!

Not a real Christian?

I listen to a lot of Theist vs. Atheist conversations and debates and the same themes come up time and time again. One thing that a lot of Theists don't understand is that many of use were former born again Christians and that studying his word is what made us Atheists.

One of the only ways Christians can wrap their head around that is to declare that we were never true Christians and we were never truly saved. They declare once you believe you cannot stop believing so therefore we must have been deceived.

They can use a multitude of verses to back this up. Things like.

Mark 16:16 He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved, but he that believeth not shall be damned.

There are a lot of verses like this and it has led to a doctrine of Once Saved, Always Saved in many Christian sects. In other words, someone filled with the power of the Holy Spirit remains saved by grace forever.

Jesus is your get into Heaven free card!

So if it's not true then God, how would we know until it's too late?

I remember when I accepted Christ. I remember standing in front of the congregation in my church tears streaming down my face with everyone's hands on me. I render absolutely believing I was feeling the power of the Holy Spirit of a living God inside me.

I remember all the other times I felt that presence. I would have sworn it was real.  I even believed, truly believed I had spoken in tongues.

I believed so much I wanted to become a preacher and started really studying the bible. I'll save my deconversion story for later, however, I was not angry at God and I didn't want to go sin or do evil. I wanted to follow God and I wanted to spread his word.

So there I was honestly believing that the holy spirit was in me and I was ready to dedicate my life to spreading the word of God. I absolutely 100% believed this.

And yet, apparently, I was deceived. Apparently, my conversion was not real. No matter how much I felt it was true it was obviously false. Of course, as an atheist, I think all conversions are false, but at that time I was a true believer.

So if the theist is right then I have to wonder...

• Why did God allow me to be deceived in his Church?
• How could I have not been deceived after all I prayed and thought it was real?
• Did God know in advance, even before my birth that I was going to be deceived?
• How can anyone justify a God who would allow his followers to be damned for a lie they couldn't help but believe?
• If you're a theist and believe that God would allow me to be deceived how can you possibly know that your own experience is real?

How can a Christian trust any of this? What about your friends and your family? If you serve a God that would allow fake conversions to happen in his holy sanctuary how can you possibly know you, your friends or your family are actually saved? How would you feel if you got into his Heaven and those you knew were doomed to hell because they only thought they were saved?

How in the Hell could you trust anything?

Even worse... what if I'm still saved? Is there a button to OPT OUT? Can I unsubscribe?