Holy Matrimony & Hanky Panky: A Divine Dive into Old Testament Adultery Laws

Ah, the Old Testament, that ancient tome of wisdom, rules, and a whole lot of smiting. Ever cracked it open to peek at the adultery laws? Spoiler alert: they’re a wild ride, especially if you’re a married lady or a virgin gal. So, grab your holy water and let’s dive into the divine drama!

God doesn't approve - or, does he? The answer might surprise you.

First off, let’s get one thing straight – back in the biblical days, adultery wasn’t just a sneaky rendezvous in the bushes. Oh no, it was a serious no-no, with some pretty hefty consequences. I mean, we’re talking stones flying and not in a groovy, psychedelic way.

Now, you might be thinking, “But what about the dudes?” Ah, my friend, here’s where it gets interesting. The Old Testament was pretty chill with the fellas. A married man could have a little extramarital adventure, and as long as the lady wasn’t married or engaged, it was all kosher. Talk about double standards!

The dudes could get as much as they wanted whether married or not as long 

as she wasn't someone else's property.

But woe betide the married women and virgin girls caught in the act! The law was crystal clear – no hanky-panky allowed! A married woman getting cozy with a man who wasn’t her hubby? That’s a stoning, right there in the town square. A virgin betrothed to a dude but found with another? You guessed it, more stones flying!

 

Did someone say, "Stone Her?"

And the reasons? Well, it’s all about lineage, baby! You see, back in the day, people were obsessed with keeping the family line purer than a snowflake. A man’s seed was sacred, and they didn’t want any mix-ups with the neighbor’s kid claiming inheritance. It’s like an ancient episode of Maury – “You are NOT the father!”But here’s the kicker – if a man found a lady who wasn’t betrothed or married, and they had a little roll in the hay, the punishment was… a wedding and a fine! That’s right, folks, a bit of silver and a trip down the aisle, and all was forgiven. Talk about a shotgun wedding!

Now, I know what you’re thinking – “This all sounds pretty unfair!” And you’d be right. But remember, this was a time when locusts were a legit form of divine punishment and people lived in tents in the desert. Times have changed, thank goodness!

So, next time you’re swiping right or left, spare a thought for the ladies of the Old Testament, navigating a world of divine laws, flying stones, and ancient paternity tests. And remember, whether it’s biblical times or the 21st century, love and relationships are always a divine comedy!

So why would this God guy set down rules that only apply to one gender? If he was real, he wouldn't. These were property laws. Women were a form of property. A way for the father to enrich himself by selling an a daughter with an intact hymen (and yes, they checked on the wedding night) or a way for a husband to keep his property. Why any woman would follow a religion that made them property is beyond me.