The Gospel of the Living Dead: Matthew’s Tale of the First Zombies

Betcha most of you didn't even know this was in your bible.

Ah, the Gospel of Matthew, where things get real spooky, real fast! Ever read the end of Matthew 27? It’s a doozy! Picture this: Jesus breathes his last, the earth shakes, rocks split, and tombs break open. And then, hold onto your hats, folks, the dead saints rise from their graves! That’s right, the first-ever zombie apocalypse, brought to you by the New Testament!

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Zombies? In the Bible? What are they teaching in Sunday School these days?” But it’s all there in black and white, folks! After Jesus’ resurrection, these holy roamers went into the holy city and appeared to many. Talk about a divine plot twist!

But here’s the kicker – this undead cameo is exclusive to Matthew! Mark, Luke, John? Nada! Not a peep about the saintly zombies. It’s like Matthew was the Quentin Tarantino of Gospel writers, adding a dash of the undead to spice things up!

The Bible doesn't say it was like this, 

but then again, it doesn't say it wasn't like this either.

So, what’s the deal with these biblical walkers? Were they groaning and looking for brains? Or were they just popping by to say “Shalom” and freak out the locals? The Gospel leaves us hanging, folks! It’s like a cliffhanger ending in a season finale – will there be a sequel? Zombie Saints: The Return!

And let’s not forget the theological head-scratcher this poses. I mean, if you’re a saint, you’re supposed to be chilling in paradise, right? So, what’s with the detour back to the land of the living? Were they on a divine mission, or did they just miss the falafel?

But, alas, the other Gospels don’t back up Matthew’s zombie tale. And neither do any other historians of the time. Kind of something you'd expect more than one person to write about. It’s a solo act, a one-Gospel wonder! It makes you wonder – was it a divine revelation or just a case of the holy brain munchies?

In the end, whether you believe in the Gospel of the Living Dead or not, it’s a tale for the ages! So, next time you’re watching a zombie flick, remember – Matthew did it first!

Of course, we all know that a couple days later Jesus zombies out also.

The End?

Until the Dead Sea Scrolls reveal Zombie Saints: Apocalypse Now… Keep your Bibles and brains close, folks!